


No Time to Die

by fvckingavengers



Series: Lover of Mine [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Slow Burn, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, X-men - Freeform, assassin!reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24884986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvckingavengers/pseuds/fvckingavengers
Summary: Bucky gets an unexpectedly visited by Logan Howlett (yes, my dudes. I found a way to incorporate the X-men into this MCU fic) at the compound. The flashbacks showcase the chair and the reader’s relationship with Charles Xavier.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, winter soldier/reader
Series: Lover of Mine [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779610
Kudos: 19





	No Time to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Lover of Mine, where the rules are made up and canon doesn’t matter! I’m excited to hear your feedback! Don’t forget to comment after reading :)

> **I should've known  
>  I'd leave alone   
> Just goes to show   
> That the blood you bleed   
> Is just the blood you owe**
> 
> **We were a pair  
>  But I saw you there   
> Too much to bear   
> You were my life   
> But life is far away from fair**

It’s been days since Bucky saw the first news report. Hell, maybe it was a week by now. Time blurs when your entire world has been shaken. And the worst part is, he feels like he can’t share what he’s feeling with anyone. Natasha will be too nosy - wanting a mile after being given an inch. There’s a great chance that Steve will possibly want to hunt you down. And Sam can’t be trusted to keep a secret from Steve.

He knows his behavior has risen some eyebrows around the compound. He’s thankful that it’s just the four of them residing there for the time being. He’s not sure if he’d be so calm under the pressure of more hushed whispers and silent glances. 

Bucky sits up against his headboard, chewing his bottom lip as he runs his fingers along the leather-bound book in his lap. It’s roughly 11:30, everyone has retired to their own rooms for the night. The tv is on but it doesn’t have his attention. Not like the object in his hands.

He goes back and forth with the thought of opening it. He’s at war with himself and he feels childish. This inanimate thing can’t hurt him. Not physically, anyway. It’s his mental and psychological state that would take the beating. That’s what has kept him unmoving for the better part of an hour.

With a deep breath, he reaches over to his nightstand to switch on the lamp. He opens the journal and exhales slowly. It was like ripping off a band-aid. No sticking it back on now.

The once white lined paper looks dingy now, slowing the age of the agenda. He thumbs over the dried ink of the words he wrote long ago, reading over experiences he wouldn’t have remembered if not documented.

\- - 

_He’s lost count of how much time has gone by since he’s seen you last. Could’ve been a few months. Maybe a couple years. He notices the winkles forming in Pierce’s features and his hair has grown lighter in shade._

_They’re in the dungeon. Bucky sits as far away from the torture chamber as he can get and he wrings his hands, trying to keep them from shaking. His jaw aches from the pressure he puts on the joint in order to keep his teeth from chattering._

_“Relax, Soldier.” Pierce says. “We’re not here for you.”_

_Despite his words, Bucky doesn’t feel the slightest bit assured. But he doesn’t have time to think too hard on the reason he is there with his nerves so shot that he’s trembling._

_The door bursts open and slams into the wall beside him. Two men enter, dragging something behind them. He blinks his eyes into focus and his blood pressure immediately spikes._

_They throw you into the chair and begin to strap you in. Your body is shaking to adjust to the sudden change in temperature. Your lids are heavy, you’re barely lucid. The clothes you wear are soaked in sweat and the doctors who connect you to the machine are ogling._

_“Wake up,” Pierce pats your cheek gently. “That’s it. Wake up, my girl. We got work to do.”_

_Bucky can feel the bile rising in his throat, leaving an acidic taste on his tongue. ‘My girl’. He wants to scoff, but he knows it’ll earn him a backhanded slap to the face. If there’s one thing that would make him happier than killing Pierce himself, it would be watching you have your way with him._

_He’s never been on this side of this situation before. Never seen anyone else in that machine sent from Hell. His heartbeat thuds in his ears. He starts to wonder if the sound isn’t yours from fifteen feet away._

_A mouthguard is placed between your teeth and Bucky feels the metal of the bench he sits on bend beneath the metal of his fingers. He tries to brace himself, but nothing can prepare him for the pain-filled screams that fill his ears. Somehow, this is worse than being in the chair himself. Your face contorts and tears stream from the corners of your eyes. He has to look away._

_It goes on for what feels like forever, but finally, the machine shuts off. You’re panting. Out of breath, out of sorts. Your handler steps beside you, but your gaze stays focused ahead on Bucky._

_“Viper?” The man tries._

_“Ready to comply.” You answer, voice strained and hoarse._

_Pierce beckons Bucky over with his hand. As he draws closer, your pupils dilate and your hands ball into fists. “Down, girl.” Pierce says. “This is Winter Soldier. He’s your ally, as you are his. We have a mission for you both. Shower up and get packed. You ship out in two hours.”_

_Your handler wraps your arm around his neck and hoists you up, your legs still like jelly from being out of use for God knows how long. You never take your eyes off of Bucky, not until you’re escorted out of the dungeon and disappear on the other side of the wall._

_Bucky swallows thickly, trying to process what he just witnessed. He has to shake himself of his thoughts to prepare for the mission_

_~ ~_

_Things changed that day._

_Bucky couldn’t get the image of you shackled up or the sound of your cries out of his head. It was wedged there, deep in the nooks and crannies._

_Another job, another apartment._

_This time you were stationed just outside of Westchester, New York. Bucky hadn’t briefed you on the mission yet. He thought you could use a break for the evening._

_“Sure you don’t want some?” Bucky asks, stirring the Velveeta cheese in with the noodles he cooked._

_You shake your head and raise your glass. “M’good with this.” You’ve barely spoken since the two of you arrived. The person he looks at now is a stark contrast of the women he worked with before. You wince every time you swallow, but not from the alcohol. From the high-pitched shrieks that scraped out of your throat earlier. He’d be surprised if there wasn’t permanent wreckage to your vocal cords._

_“May I?” He gestures to your glass with his spoon as he takes a seat at the edge of the table. You raise a brow and shrug, handing him what he wants. He barely takes a sip of the clear liquid, but he gags and coughs. “Fuck.” He grimaces, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand._

_You laugh, and it makes the rancid taste in Bucky’s mouth worth it. “I should’ve warned you, it’s not for the faint of heart.”_

_“I think I’ll stick to whiskey.” He grins, taking a large bite of macaroni._

_There’s a momentary silence that the cars passing on the highway and a rerun of Bewitched playing on the tv fills. “Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask, not looking up from the doodle you’re drawing. You haven’t declared the topic, but he knows what you’re referring to._

_He opens his mouth but stutters on his words, too many thoughts trying to fight their way out of his mind. “Are you okay?”_

_He wants to punch himself in the fucking face with his metal fist._

_“You don’t have to beat yourself up, I appreciate the sentiment.” Your voice is soft and solemn. You don’t meet his gaze, instead staring at your now closed book, running your fingers over its velvet exterior. “But no. No, I’m not. Every time they put me in that goddamned thing,” You swallow thickly and gnaw on your bottom lip. “They’re chipping away at my humanity. Stripping away my thoughts. My emotions. Just waiting until I’m an empty vessel. ’Til I lose the fight. Become the monster they want me to be.”_

_Bucky feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach. For the longest time, he thought he was the only soldier Hydra was manipulating. It was somehow easier that way. Now he knows you exist. That you’ve been suffocating under Hydra’s grasp just as he has. At least before, he only had himself to worry about. But now you’re in his life. You’ve become a memory he doesn’t want to forget._

_“This life, it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve always been someone else’s property.” Finally, you look at him. There’s a hint of a smile on your face but it doesn’t reach your eyes. “I look at you and I know that’s not your case. There’s kindness in your eyes. You were someone else before you were the Winter Soldier.”_

_Those words stun him._

_The thought was always there in the back of his mind, but he never pulled on that thread. Never dared to open that can of worms in fear that he’d fall down the rabbit hole and not be able to climb his way back out. He’s still afraid now._

_“Do you remember anything before Hydra?” Bucky asks, sliding into the chair at the end of the table._

_“Ballet and gun smoke.” You lean back in your seat and finish the vodka in your glass. “Pink slippers and bloodshed.” You lift the cover of your notebook and sigh. “I have this to help me remember the good things. Which, reminds me,” You leave him for a moment to rummage through your suitcase and come back with a brown leather journal. You look sheepish when you slide it over to him. “I got this for you when we were working the Donatello case.You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to,” You shake your head and smile bashfully. “It helps me, I just thought maybe it could help you, too.”_

_A gift. He can’t recall the last time he received a gift. Maybe in the former life you mentioned._

_Bucky runs his hand over the cover and smiles softly. “What kind of things do you write in yours?”_

_You give a one shouldered shrug and flip through the pages. “My favorite color. Bands, songs, TV shows I like. People I interact with. Experiences I’ve had. Even if it seems small and insignificant, I write it down. I read over a few random pages after they wipe my slate. It keeps me human a little longer.”_

_“Am I in there?” Bucky smirks, nodding to the diary._

_His cocky demeanor makes you grin. “You’ll have to find out when I’m dead. ‘Cause I sure as hell ain’t tellin’ you.”_

_\- -_

Bucky barely wakes up when he hears a knock at his door. He plays limbo with consciousness until he feels a dip at the foot of his bed. He rubs his eyes and slowly sits up.

“You look like shit.” Natasha deadpans.

He hasn’t been awake for more than a minute but already, Bucky’s over the day. “Kindly fuck off and get out.” He gestures to the door before throwing himself back on the mattress.

“You have a visitor.” The fluctuation in her voice simultaneously piques his interest and frightens him at the same time.

Still, he gets dressed and follows Natasha to the kitchen. There’s a tall man who wears a black leather jacket and jeans, despite it being early June.

“Howlett.”

“Barnes.” Logan turns around and the men shake hands. “Been a long time.”

“‘Bout thirty years.” Bucky goes on.

Natasha looks between the men with raised eyebrows. “I’m gonna give you two some privacy. Logan, always a pleasure.” She salutes as she exists the room.

There’s an awkward silence. Logan shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at his shoes. “You watched the news lately?”

“You wanna go for a ride?” Bucky deflects the question. “Grab a beer or somethin’.”

Logan’s brows crease and he looks at the clock hanging on the wall. “It’s barely noon.”

Bucky shrugs and grabs his keys from the hook by the door. “It’s 5 o’clock in Dublin. Besides, when has time of day stopped you before?”

-

There’s a bar not far up the road that Bucky frequents. Quiet. A hole in the wall where the patrons are sparse. Him and Logan settle in a booth in the back, two pitchers of beer between them to last through the long conversation about to take place.

“I saw the report a couple nights ago. Don’t know if the others have seen it. Couldn’t take the chance taking about her there.” Bucky grumbles, leaning his back against the wall.

“So, your buddy has no idea about her?” Logan grins, somehow amused.

“She’s still running loose, isn’t she? If Steve knew, he’d have her in a holding cell.”

Logan snorts. “Give your girl some more credit. From what I remember, not much could hold her.”

“I don’t think she’s the same person either of us remember.” Bucky shakes his head and gulps down his drink. “Hell, up until two days ago, I thought she was dead.”

“And you’re not jumping for joy at the realization that she’s alive?”

“You underestimate Hydra.” Bucky jeers. “We craved death with the shit they put us through, it would’ve been an act of mercy. They didn’t kill her, so they did something worse. There’s no way they let her keep me in her memory and if they did, I’m a target.”

Logan exhales heavily through his nose. It boarders the line of a growl. He runs his tongue over his teeth and brushes his fingers over the divots of the beer mug. “We can’t sit here and do nothing. She’s gonna get caught one way or another. Do you really want Hydra to be the ones to get her first?”

“When do I ever get what I want?” Bucky can’t hold back a chuckle despite his less than cheerful mood. “Why do you care so much about her anyway? If anyone I would’ve thought Charles-“

“She saved me once, too.” He admits, making Bucky’s brows furrow. “Alexander Pierce, that fuckin’ piece of shit. He tried to force me to switch sides. Wanted me to put an end to the school. He tranquilized me. Got as far as to put me in that fucking contraption. Before he could wipe my brain, she showed up. Killed the lights and killed almost everyone else in that room before they could restrain her.” Logan rubs his thumb over his knuckles and sighs. “I wanted to help her, but whatever Pierce injected me with stunted my abilities. If I died there, what she did still would’ve been for nothing.”

Bucky gapes. “Where the fuck was I?”

“This was December of ’91.”

Bucky’s jaw tightens. “Right.”

\- -

_You seemed to be in a better mood in the morning as you piddled around the kitchen, humming along to Led Zeppelin playing on the radio. Bucky offered to make breakfast, but you declined, insisting that you were fine with coffee. He kept quiet as he watched you pour a hearty shot of Jameson in with the caffeine._

_“What? This is how the Irish do it.” You shrug, joining him in the living room. “Alright. What are we in for this time?”_

_Bucky thumbs through the folder and sighs. “This is a weird one. We’re dealing with mutants.”_

_“Mutants?” You play with the word on your tongue. “Ah, fuck.” Bucky’s instantly alarmed when you wince and cradle your head. He watches you closely as you move to grab your journal, frantically flipping through the pages. “A name. Does it give you a name?”_

_“Uh, yeah. Charles Xavier.” Your jaw clenches and you trace over the name written in blue ink. “There a problem?”_

_Your lips press into a thin line and you close the book. “I’m not killing him.” You shake your head. “And I’m not letting you.”_

_“Excuse me?” Bucky slowly rises from his chair. “We’ve been given orders. We can’t just not follow through with them. You know what they’ll do to us.”_

_“I’ll break every single one of their fingers before they can even land one on you.” Bucky’s never seen this look in your eyes before. Feral and furious. Fire blazing in your pupils. “This is my call, I’ll deal with the punishment.”_

_He’s flabbergasted, not believing the words coming out of your mouth. “Listen, you need to take whatever personal accord you have with this guy and throw it out the window. I’m not gonna let you throw yourself into the lion’s den.”_

_“I owe him my life. The least I can do is save his.” Your voice raises and he recoils slightly. You take a deep breath, a second to collect yourself. “I understand your hesitance and I know I’m asking a lot from you. But if you come for him, you’re gonna have to go through me.”_

_Your tone remains strong but your lip quivers. He stands frozen as you grab your coat and leave the apartment._

_~_

_You absentmindedly draw patterns on the dark brown leather sofa as you stare out at the courtyard through the window. The sun shines brightly upon the students who bustle about. Charles hands you a glass of water and you mutter a soft ‘thanks’._

_He leans against the edge of his desk and folds his arms across his chest. Locks of long, golden brown hair falls in his face. He’s a great deal smaller in build, but he resembles the Soldier._

_“Life has not been kind to you, sweet girl.” His voice is soft. Soothing. He wears a small smile, but it’s sorrowful._

_“Life isn’t kind to monsters like me.” Your voice is hoarse, detached._

_Charles shakes his head. “I’ve dealt with my fair share,” He takes a step closer and kneels next to the couch, making you look at him. “I see no monster here. I only wish you’d let me help you.”_

_Those words make you ache. “They’d come for me.” You cup his cheek in your hand. “And they’d kill anyone who got in their way. You have more work to be done, Charles. These kids, they need you. Besides, if it weren’t me doing this job, they’d just find someone else to bear this burden. I don’t wish this life on anyone.”_

_“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to comprehend how an angel can survive in Hell.” He covers your hand with his and smiles. His gaze shifts behind you and he slowly stands. “Your friend is here.”_

_You turn your head and tighten your jaw. “I told you not to come-“_

_Before you can get too far, Charles gently wraps his hand around your wrist to keep you from physically confronting him like you planned to. “He doesn’t want to hurt me.” Charles confirms. “He wants to understand why you refuse to.” He waves Bucky over with his free hand. “S’alright. No need for a visceral altercation.”_

_Bucky looks at you, holds his hands up in surrender and to show that he’s unarmed as he approaches._

_You look over your shoulder and nod. Charles slowly releases your hand. “Pierce has been trying to get a hold of Charles for years. A while back, I was sent on a mission to capture him. Pierce had no idea of the power Charles possesses. I didn’t stand a chance. He saw me coming a mile away. I was compromised. His partner was gonna kill me,”_

_“Erik,” Charles rolls his eyes. “Always one for theatrics.”_

_“Charles wouldn’t let him. For reasons I still don’t understand. But, I vowed that day to protect him, and others like him. That’s why the journal helps. It triggers memories that they try to erase.”_

_It makes sense. Bucky never doubted you for a second, he just needed to see and hear it for himself. The two of you could make up a story of how Charles was able to escape. How you had to retreat because it was two against at least a hundred angry mutants. He understands what’s at stake if Hydra would get their hands on any of the students or teachers at the school._

_Bucky nods, steps closer to Charles and extends his right hand, which Charles accepts. “You guys can clearly take care of yourselves - I mean, I thought my arm was intimidating until I saw the guy made completely of metal who could definitely crush me like a soda can. But,” He turns his head to look at you for a moment. “You’ve got another ally on your side.”_

_You try, but fail to conceal the smile that spreads across your face. “Being allies is a two way street. If we should cross paths again, I’ll make sure the students see you as a friend and not a foe.” Charles grins and shakes Bucky’s hand firmly._

_\- -_

“Does he know?” Bucky asks, twirling his keys around his index finger, leaning against his bike. “Xavier, I mean.”

Logan mirrors his stance. “Yeah.” He sighs. “Poor old man is beating himself up over the fact he can’t help her. His powers aren’t what they used to be.”

“I’d be surprised if she give him the chance to try. Who knows what she remembers.” Bucky swings his leg over to straddle the seat of his motorcycle. “I’ll keep you updated if I hear anything. Good seein’ you, Howlett.”

“You too, Barnes.” Logan nods.

Engines roar to life and the men set off in different directions down the road.


End file.
